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| * * * PATRIOT ALERT! * * * |
Attention citizens!!! In the name the Gentle Savior Jesus Christ, in this year of Our Lord 2004, we hereby doth inform all God-Fearing citizens of a HIDEOUS and EVIL PLOT against our Glorious and most SINGULAR Nation.
Seven Mohammedan HEATHENS are scheming a COWARDLY terrorist OUTRAGE!
Praise God in all his EVANGELICAL Christian glory (speed The Rapture!), that John Ashcroft, High Inquisitor and Witchfinder General, has unmasked their SWARTHY PLANS. Now we need YOU to help US, obedient consumer, in our CRUSADE against these Moorish DOGS.
Here are the seven evil-doers of EVIL:
Verily, in the name of The Christ and Mel of Gibson (His Holy Prophet), you are hereby commanded to:
* ignore ALL NEWS ofEspecially thou shalt not read of the most imminent collapse of the OIL ECONOMY, lest thou enjoyest being placed in stess positions and being MOST FORCEFULLY SODOMized (by soldiers of Christ).tortureabuse of female Iraqi prisoners,
* ignore our ignominious DEFEAT in FALLUJA
* ignore the empty trucks driving through Iraq!
* IGNORE all news of our ''ally'' CHALABI being an IRANIAN spy,
* verily thou shalt IGNORE the onset of Hubberts Peak.
A goodly (and GODLY) citizen shall ATTEND most urgently to the APPREHENSION of the aforementioned SEVEN EVIL-DOERS of EVIL, who upon capture shall be treated in accordance with the Geneva Convention:
''In the name of Heaven let them be torn from our sight.''
Wishing you and all your family a happy and prosperous (and Protestant) weekend.
St. John of Ashcroft,
High Inquisitor and Witchfinder General,
1st Legion of Christ, Republican.
Post Scriptum: In the event of your death (God forbid) in a terrorist outrage, rest assured that 300 Muslims shall be most bloodily put to the sword for every American killed. It's the only language these crazy pagans understand.
Post Post Scriptum: In the event of your survival of a terrorist attack, it is the policy of this administration (and therefore The Will of GOD) that thou and thy family shouldst go hence to Florida, the therein take shelter and nourishment at The Land of Disney, thereby helping THE ECONOMY (and CONFOUNDING the schemes of the evil HEATHEN terrorists).
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