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| Friday, 23 May, 2003. Dear George, I have been deeply moved by your crusade of conquest - er - liberation in Iraq. I freely confess that I was wrong to oppose your invasion of Iraq, even though you have not yet found any weapons of mass destruction. The smooth post-war governing of Iraq (soon to be renamed the People's Democratic Republic of Bushtania) has been a model of professional nation-building, something that I know is close to your heart. Since I am now a fully fledged convert to the pro-war "liberate-em-if-they-like-it-or-not" camp, let me put forward a list of prospective candidates for future destruction - er - liberation! I am sure that you will give full consideration for pre-emptive military attack - I mean liberation of these nations as soon as possible. 1. North Korea. He's evil, HITLER-LIKE, and we know he's got REAL wmds. "North Korea is likely to export nuclear weapons components and fuel to the Middle East in an effort to earn hard currency and there is little the United States can do about it, a panel of experts has concluded.A report by the Council on Foreign Relations warned that Pyongyang can be expected to use its newly-acquired nuclear weapons capability for sales to North Korea's traditional clients including Iran, Libya and Syria."2. Zimbabwe. 7 million face famine under the HITLERIAN Robert Mugabe. "The U.S. government has echoed many of the archbishop's criticisms of the Mugabe government, condemning the regime for suppressing political liberties, mismanaging the economy, failing to deal with a food crisis and the spread of AIDS, and adopting a coercive land-reform program that has driven most the country's productive white farmers off their land."3. Congo. 3 million dead already, more on the way! Just like HITLER! "There are women's bodies scattered in Bunia's main market place; a baby's body on its main road; two priests' bodies inside one church. Last week, a burning corpse was tossed on to the main UN compound's lawn, to show 700 Uruguayan peacekeepers what they were missing while they cowered under fire behind its razor-wire perimeter, unauthorised to intervene in the latest massacre of Congolese civilians."4. Turkmenistan. Let's take out this HITLER-wannabee! Wait...he's our ALLY! "...dictator Saparmurad Niyazov has thrown 20,000 of his enemies in prison. Ruling from a palace as fancy as any of Saddam Hussein's, Niyazov has renamed months of the year after his first and last names, his mother, and his self-given title, Father Of All Turkmen."5. Afghanistan. Dude - we should like, invade this place! It sounds crazy! "March and April saw the closest to a co-ordinated offensive the anti-Kabul opposition has yet achieved. This left no doubt that the predominantly Pashtun forces aligned against the western-backed government of President Hamid Karzai had used the winter to regroup, train and achieve a far greater degree of organisational cohesion than was evident in 2002. An ad hoc alliance comprising Taliban remnants, the Hizb-i-Islami Afghanistan (HIA) faction of former mujahideen leader Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, and groups of Al-Qaeda stragglers now appears increasingly to be co-ordinating its command structures and support and logistics networks. "6. Ireland. Bertie Ahern, the Irish HITLER, continues to oppress his people. "Fine Gael and Labour have also accused Fianna Fáil of conning the public by not coming clean about major cutbacks after the election...Labour’s Finance spokeswoman Joan Burton said the Taoiseach misled the country when he promised there would be no significant cuts in health or education." Firstly, we really should invade Afghanistan and do something about the place. It seems to be a breeding ground for all kinds of nasty terrorist groups. If we let it fester much longer, who knows what might happen. Don't listen to the peaceniks Mr. President. With Iraq under your belt, Afghanistan should be next! North Korea will be a tough nut to crack. We'll probably lose 40,000 troops in the first few minutes of combat when Kim uses his 2 or 3 nukes. Better 2 today than 20 tomorrow though, right? Zimbabwe is in a bad way. They need help fast, or mass famine could kill MILLIONS, and that's even more deaths than Saddam caused in 20 years. We could push 'em over in a week or two. They don't have much oil, but we've got enough of that stuff already, right? If only whatsisname in Turkmenistan wasn't our friend, maybe we could squash ... liberate his country. That's a shame. He's got lots of gas too! I'm probably not going to be able to serve in the military myself, sad to say. Like my hero Rush Limbaugh, I suffer from a painful anal cyst (the result of too many hours in front of a keyboard) ;-) so I won't be able to see any action firsthand. I will cheer the coverage on TV though, and of course I'll hunt down publishers of anti-war websites and send them nasty threatening letters! (That'll stop 'em...hee hee). Well, that's all for now. If I can think of any more countries that I'd like to see crushed - liberated, then I'll be sure to let you know. There are so many, we're sure to be busy for an awful long time. Have you ever considered re-instating the draft? That would be SO cool! Yours in Christ, Dermot O' Connor, esq. p.s. Don't pay any attention to the reports of the radioactive depleted uranium in Afghanistan and Iraq. It's not as though some lunatic over there is going to go digging it up and put it into bombs and explode those bombs in one of our cities! (Will those crazy scare-monger liberals never stop?) |
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