archives
by Dermot O Connor. (Roy Disney isn't the only one who can do it).
In case you don't know me, I used to work for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in Dublin in the late 80s/early 90s. I moved to California in 93, and have been here ever since. This is a rant about my happy time looking for animation work in LA over the last year and a half.I had a good steady job up until 98, when the market for "educational" 2d computer games started to tank. I took a little time off to acquire some computer skills. I chose flash, since it was a lot of fun, wasn't 3d (which I'm not too crazy about) and I thought that it would be easier to find work with some computer know-how.
I'm not pissed off over not finding work. I'm not Glen Keane or Wilbur Cobb, or even Chester Lampwick; neither am I a total hack. What's really starting to get on my nerves is the malicious treatment being doled out to animation job-seekers by potential employers.
More specifically, the treatment being doled out to ME. I don't know if I'm the only one, but I doubt it VERY much.
If you don't want to hire me, fine. I don't give a shit. You won't hurt my feelings by telling me to piss off, because I don't care about you. But enough with the tests, the false promises, the handshakes, the fake Tony Blair grins. You're just making an ass out of yourself.
Ha-Ha-Ha.
In the last year and a half, I have searched for work with very little success. There's been an occasional spot of freelance, but that's it...just barely enough to get by.
The jobs that do exist tend to be itty-bitty crapfests run by clowns. On one occasion when I turned up at the address supplied for an interview, it was some guy's apartment. The thought flashed across my mind that he could be a serial killer. GREAT. He was trying to pitch a hispanic-themed Beavis and Butthead rip-off. It was the worst piece of eye-vomit that I have ever seen (and that's saying something). The comedic high point was when a gigantic latin woman expelled a cloud of green fart gas.
Laughed, I nearly SHAT.
I felt embarrassed for the guy as I watched this muck. Bear in mind that he was friends with a medium-famous movie star, and was trying to get this vile heap onto his recently launched TV show.
I left under the impression that I had been assured steady work, but never heard from him again. Frankly I was relieved. I don't think he had any luck getting it on air, thankfully.
This is a pattern that I've seen again and again, and it can't be just me. Small-time amateurs who aren't adult enough to tell you they don't like your work to your face - as though you were going to run away cwying and cwying...
"I'll call you tomorrow! Can't wait to start working with you!"
On another occasion I shook hands with a producer, pretty certain that this time, all was well. "I'll email you the contract and we'll get in touch on Monday." That was about nine months ago, and I'm still waiting. The kicker - this fucknut was still posting adverts for the position half a year later!
An odious new development has occured in the intervening months:
It's not good enough to have a portfolio any more. Oh NO! You have to submit to a TEST. Apparently the new generation of bosses are so clueless that they can't tell if you're up to the job by looking at your portfolio, reading your resume, interviewing you, or asking your peers about your work. Uh-uh. You've got to come crawling to them over broken glass and eat the corn out of their shit.
The job posting won't mention this of course, since that would require honesty. They like you to submit your portfolio first. Then the lucky "candidates" will receive a "test" from the benificient employer. The first time that I got one of these I was tempted to delete it, but I was genuinely curious to see what would happen.
Hey- it's not as though I was curing cancer in my spare time.
I spent a day and a half on this "test", when I could have been much better occupied masturbating. Designs, animation, colors, I even added sound. Sent it in. Waited.
Waited.
Dum de dum dee dee.
I'm still waiting for a reply, six months later. Not so much as a form letter - "Thank you for your interest, etc."
Finally, in the middle of December 2003, a real job posting appeared on one of the animation sites. They didn't want email submissions - snail-mail only. A good sign, methinks. That'll weed out some of the kiddies. So I mailed in my resume, and received an email within a week.
A TEST would be required. By this time I was working on a paying project (just enough to pay the bills, but this job would have been sweet). I was skeptical (I'm not a total idiot). I thought, "Let's do the test anyhow and see what happens".
I picked up the test from their gleaming Burbank studio. As I signed in I saw a list of signatures. On page 1 there must have been 30 names alone. Yikes.
Christmas day - and I'm hunched over my creaking pentium like Dick Cheney with his collection of human skulls. These guys wanted TWO FULLY ANIMATED SCENES - that should have been warning enough. One wasn't going to be enough for them to know if I would be up to it. I slaved away through new years eve, at the expense of the REAL job that needed my attention.
Still, this was a great position being offered, and I felt reasonably confident about my chances. There can't be that many traditonally trained 2d animators who can do very complex character animation in Flash. A lot of the better animators have moved over to 3d animation, where the juicy work is to be found.
Finally, I completed the test and handed it in. Three days later I was disturbed from the 9am Mars Rover press conference on NASA TV by a phone call with the joyous news:
"Hi, this is Tiffany McSerf, from Happy-Wappy Animation. Sorry, but we can't offer you anything."
"Oh. Ok." Trying (and almost succeeding) to sound nonchalant, like 8 days of my life hadn't been TOTALLY FUCKING WASTED.
"Bye then." (See - I'm still polite!). Click.
Merry fucking christmas to you and your shitheap studio. I hope you all die a slow and painful death from brain cancer. I am not being rhetorical - I wouldn't joke about this. I really, really hope you useless fuckers die a SLOW - PAINFUL - DEATH - from Cancer, Aids, Tuberculosis or some equally horrible disease. I hope you drown in your own vomit as you clutch at your sweat-soaked bedsheets, with the hospice nurse laughing at you when you make all those funny faces.It would have been nice if they could have come over to my house and carved "GULLIBLE FUCKWIT" in the middle of my forehead with a rusty razor blade. They could have gone the whole way and killed my cat.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Why didn't they just break into my house and steal the last nine potatoes in my kitchen. They've got to last until the end of the week. Why didn't they just take them and get the theft over with more quickly? There are 14 dollars on a shelf in my front room - that's the last liquid cash I've got. It would have been so much more efficient to smash down my door, walk in, and take it.
Simply put, these heartless CUNTS know full well who they are and aren't going to hire. They're pulling this crap because they CAN, not because they need to. The job market sucks, and people are desperate. I for one am not buying into this cycle any more. These EVIL, manipulative, CORPORATE WANKSTAINS don't deserve oxygen, or skin, let alone me. Or YOU.
They can take their jobs, their tests, their handwriting analysis and fake promises and their weasel words and their MIND GAMES and SHOVE THEM UP THEIR COLLECTIVE SHYSTER ARSES.
I, for one, would rather stack shelves in WAL-MART. At least that way I might retain a small shred of the dignity with which I was born. That, or mop up the spooge after a hard-core porn movie.
Farewell, Hollywood animation industry. I'd like to say it's been fun, but it hasn't. It's been SHITE.
Dermot O' Connor,
Jan 09, 2004.
p.s. Although I say that I want these bastards to die, I would never in any way take proactive action to cause violence or harm to anyone else. I am a physical coward, and content myself with supernatural wish-fulfillment. (Just in case any of these wankers read this and send the FBI after me).
p.p.s. In January 2003, my Gulf War Game received a lot of media attention, and I was interviewed by Reuters and Le Monde. The game was featured in the print edition of USA TODAY, on the main pages of CNN, MSN and Yahoo. It was broadcast on TV around the world, including the former Soviet Union. I've been interviewed by the BBC and Pacifica Radio. This site is currently ranked somewhere around the top 100,000 websites and receives over 150,000 visitors and 500,000 page views a month.
So if you think I'm just some nobody with a cranky website that no-one's ever heard of - go fuck yourself.
p.p.p.s If anyone in the Pasadena/Burbank/Glendale area knows of any good jobs, please let me know. You can contact me at the above email address. I'm available for work in animation, and will happily submit to a test if so required.
OK, just kidding about the last bit.
Wait! There's more!!!
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