A FEUDAL LORD SEEKETH ANIMATORS. 2008, August 17, Sunday.
Animators/Artists/Designers will appreciate this risible job posting. (UNPAID)
By this Friday afternoon (5/30), we need the following:
1. We start from a shot of a character's hand with a blue-footed booby on it (we will provide the initial hand shot), and the camera pulls back very slowly away from the earth to reveal galaxies and the universe, all the while following the bird as he flies into infinity. This shot will last approx. 3 minutes.
2. We need a fake time-lapse sequence of this same bird hatching from an egg and growing into adulthood. Would prefer for the background/environment to look like time-lapse, so we'd need the lighting changes of days passing and seasons changing, over the course of a year. Keep in mind that his feathers will have to go from baby chick feathers to adult ones, through several molting stages. Perhaps growing and dying flowers in the foreground, to signify the time passing? I don't know if there will be time for that.
3. We need a shot of the Transformers fighting, but we will change their faces a bit. Similar style to the movie. Also refer to Narnia as a reference (the robot parts, not the animals).
These shots will have to be photo-real in order to match the rest of our film, which is photographed with a film camera. I still don't know much about computers or animation, but I assume we need someone with a good familiarity with Photoshop, or maybe Flash or Shockwave Director.
The fact that they would think nothing of posting the job quoted above, for NO PAY, is a perfect illustration of why I loathe the animation industry, and want to get out. Having explained my inchoate feelings of rage to my therapist, he advised me to seek solace from Thalia, my Heavenly muse, through the art of Poetry. Thus renewed with vital purpose, I rewrote the job posting, giving it some historical context:
A FEUDAL LORD SEEKETH ANIMATORS.
ARISE, ye students, and work for free,
Accept this honour: to toil for me.
Worthy vassals, good and true -
Here line up, and munch my Pooh.
I your Lord, am good and kind,
And seek to guide thy simple mind.
For whilst thy hands are nimble quick,
I do not doubt thy wits be thick.
I'll have ye sketch a hand and boob,
And onwards! though ye be a noob,
Thy labour shall outshine the good,
The greatest ones of Hollywood.
SO COME, ye knaves, and tarry nay;
The deadline is three days away.
And tho' thine hours be full of sweat,
I shall ne'er be in thy debt.
There is one gift I can bestow: Put the work in thine portfolio."
Whilst this is an extreme example of incompetence, the mindset is all too similar to many animation "producers":
* No comprehension of the artistic aspects of the medium.
* No comprehension of the tools/technical aspects of the medium.
* No comprehension of the labour involved, or its true value.
* NO respect for the artists...whom they regard as "wrists".
* An Ayn Randian belief that only executives are truly creative.
The fact that the majority of truly successful animated series (The Simpsons, for example), have been created by cartoonists or artists is beyond them. These shows, however, are the exception. Most people I know have spent their entire careers working on Shr Dreck.
This is one reason why ludicrous buzzwords become so viral in Animation/Design studios amongst the producers (though rarely the artists)...a desperate need to distract people from the fact that THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING. As soon as a fad comes along, they all jump on the bandwagon, shouting the Holy Words like a mantra. "Break the Fourth Wall" was one of the more irksome crazes at Disney Interactive circa 1997. Let's make sure to "Break the Fourth Wall". We broke the fourth wall for about six months; then we broke the bank.
I've seen it happen over and over - a constant quest for the "magic bullet" - the amazing New Thing that will allow the artists to finish the product for HALF THE PRICE. (Hint: it DOESN'T EXIST). But woe betide you if someone invents a marginal method to improve things slightly (linear, not exponential). We'll call this thing a FlangeBlaster. Within DAYS every fucknuckle in a suit will be Flangeblasting you until you're blue in the face, waving it around like King Arthur with Excalibur.
"Hey, can we Flangeblast it?" "Yeah, just have the wrists Flange the thing. It'll be done by Friday." "Flange Flange Flange Flange Fla Fla Fla Fla Blaster......." "FFFLLLAAAANNNGGGGEEEEE BBBLLLLLAASSSTTEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!" "Please Kill Me. I yearn for the sweet release of Death."
Often, artists are in a separate lower caste to these Brahmin producers (and are even lower than writers on the scat-stained totem pole). Needless to say, they are paid accordingly. The artists are also unable to rise to producer status, having no creativity - that being a monopoly of the self-ordained Producers.
We, gentle reader, are shitmunchers. We munch their shit. They tell us it's chocolate, but nobody believes them - except for the young ones with the bright eyes.
The eyes aren't bright for long. Soon even they must realise the awful truth: that terrible thing sliding down your gullet isn't fair-trade low fat chocolate, harvested organically by buxom Guatamalan peasant women. No, it was squeezed from the puckered sphincter of your boss, freshly laid that morning. There are still undigested lumps of corn in it.
People wonder why 99.99% of the content of TV shows (live action and animation) is unadulterated shite. Every second artist/designer has ideas light years ahead of most producers. We all know co-workers who've had the contents of their portfolios ransacked by Studios for concepts - which are slightly altered, making them "original". Hooray for Hollywood!
Bastards.
This is why the phrase "the invisible hand of the market" makes me shudder. I've felt that hand, slowly and carefully smearing excreta over my face. To Hell with the invisible hand, where it can join the screaming soul of Adam Smith, clawing desperately for a moment's respite from the flames - a respite that shall never come. And rightly so.
Artists Unite! No return to Feudalism without a return of the Guilds!
FOOTNOTE: If you're worrying about the job posting and the studio who asked for it, fear not. A kind-hearted animator came through for them, and did the work ON TIME and ON SPEC. Here it is:
