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The Bus, Bigfoot and Beelzebub. The time: Tuesday, April 22, 2008. The place: Klamath Falls, Oregon. A tale of comets, ufos, bigfoot, angels, satan, china, ghosts, wheat and copper. On my trip from Los Angeles back to Portland I had the opportunity to gaze into the mind of Middle America. Regular readers will know that I have a poor opinion of most (though not all) of my fellow humans. It was interesting to watch some of these specimens...as an anthropologist of sorts. I bit my tongue, and listened. Amtrak had clear cut the trees on part of the western rail route, and a landslide had buried the tracks under tons of rubble. Who could have predicted such a thing? The end result was for our train to transfer to a bus at Klamath Falls, which would take us to Eugene. I was in the second seat on the right of the bus. In front of me was 'Fatman' from San Diego, a partially educated fellow who was wide enough to occupy the two seats by himself. Across the aisle to his left (directly behind the driver) sat 'Christian Lady' and her son 'Nitwit Manboy' (both from Arkansas). The bus driver (a Connecticut native) seemed a decent sort - they all did, in their way. As often seems to happen on buses, the people in the front seats begin to chat. It starts innocently enough, with the driver recounting his life behind the wheel - he's crossed the country many times, and seen most of it first-hand. His wife abandoned their son, leaving him to Dad. Son grew up on the road with Dad, visited all 50 states. Now, he's studying medicine at Harvard. Quite a kid, no? Then we get down to business. They start talking about the state of the country. As it transpires, none are cheerful about the status quo. Driver doesn't like the price of gas. Claims his brother in law is a poo-bah at ARCO, and expects the price of oil to soar far higher than it already is. Christian Lady blames the oil companies. All agree. No mention of Peak Oil. There's lots of gasoline still out there. Driver mentions the price of wheat - says he's amazed at it now, having trucked the stuff for so long. Thinks food prices will skyrocket soon. No mention of crops being converted into biodiesel and ethanol, etc. Fatman mentions the high price of gold. "Copper is worth more than gold!" Nitwit Manboy replies. Uh...wha? Interesting journey we took - more spectacular than the train would have been. It took us over some very hilly terrain, and the flecks of snow at Klamath soon became knee deep - it was like something from "The Shining" - which was shot not too far away from there. I was reminded of the famous Robert Frost poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening": The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. Conversation meandered. Driver would mention some interesting fact from his life - he has a huge gun collection half the size of the bus (at this point I'm starting to become a wee bit suspicious). Guns so powerful that he could turn the forest "into a lawn". Nitwit Manboy chimes in with a "Me Too!" anecdote about the time he fired a BB gun. Sad. "I've got two of John Wayne's pistols." Driver says. Top that, Manboy. Now shut up and sit down. Driver bought 135,000 acres and a ranch for $99,000 from an old lady who wasn't greedy. "We've got 33 acres." Christian lady replies. I can see where Nitwit Manboy got it from. Many hunting stories are told, LOUDLY. On a bus heading to EUGENE, OREGON. NOT a good idea, my friends. Christian Lady and Nitwit Manboy really hate China. No mention of the role played by American industry in moving American jobs offshore, or Nixon's visit in 1972 that kick-started the whole thing. I guess they think the Chinese did it all by themselves. Nitwit Manboy puffs up his chest and says: "I'd walk a thousand miles before I'd buy a hammer made in China!" "Driver, stop the bus!" I yelled. Actually, I didn't, but I wish I had. Fatman mentions the age of the region we're moving through as millions of years old. Uh oh. "Why do you think it's millions of years old?" Christian lady replies. "How can anyone really know how old it is?" Fatman doesn't know enough to mention radiocarbon dating, so he vacillates. One point for the coming Dark Ages. Fatman says that he was very fond of the TV show "Cosmos" by Carl Sanders. Oh sweet... Conversation suddenly jumps to the Loch Ness monster, courtesy of Nitwit Manboy. He thinks that the existence of lake monsters is a fact. I guess he assumes that Nessie proves that Noah's flood was real, as aquatic dinosaurs should have survived The Flood. We shouldn't kill them if we find them, Nitwit Manboy declares, because they're an endangered species... They won't be the only endangered species at this rate, thinks I. Christian Lady now introduces Sasquatch (naturally). An escaped gorilla, someone suggests. Uh-huh. Driver says that if such a thing existed, he'd surely have seen it by now. Some sanity there, good. Which leads us on to ghosts and the devil. Driver tells of how, at the age of 12, he saw the Devil - a handsome man with pointy teeth who entered his bedroom. Uhm...are we close enough for me to walk the rest of the way to Eugene, I wonder? Let me check. No, I'm stuck. Luckily the driver had the sense (at 12) to say "In the name of Jesus, I rebuke you!" The Devil went away - terrified by the faith of a plucky child. When he told his preacher, he was advised to be "born again". He was. In your FACE, BE'ELZEBUB! Driver told other stories about a friend who lives in one of the most haunted houses in America (coincidentally, a few hundred yards from our current location). Pour coffee from the pot, and it'll flow at an angle, onto the countertop. "Was his address 666?" chortles Nitwit Manboy. Fatman chimes in. "You know what number you get when you multiply 666 by THREE?" he asks. All wait for the answer. "1986." Well, actually, 1998 - but let's not split hairs. "That was when that comet came by..." he continued. "Halley?" Christian Lady asked. "No, the other one." Fatman replied. Of course, had he said 1998, I'd have known it was Hale Bopp or Hyakutake. I'm not too sharp at maths though, so I found his reasoning (if it can be called reasoning) to be confusing. In any event, Hale Bopp peaked in 1997, not 1998. "No, not Halley," he went on. "It was Hu, or Ha...um, Hubba Bubba, or something like that." "Hubba Bubba?" laughed Nitwit Manboy. "Don't they make bubble gum? Wahahaha." Praise God for the gift of laughter. So, poor harmless comet Hale Bopp was a Satanic harbinger of doom - the end of the world, which began in 1998...TEN YEARS AGO. Which leads, logically, to UFOs - Driver says he's never seen one. Who knows? Fatman told of the time when a ball of energy, surrounded by smaller orbs passed through his car, moving through his body. He felt purified, cleansed. Christian lady was sure that it was an angel. What other logical explanation could there be? Nitwit Manboy mentions some lame spiritual experience, in a sad attempt to look cool with the big boys. Did I mention that Nitwit was about 25, not 14? As we arrive in Eugene, Fatman loudly asks the other passengers to leave a gratuity for the driver (sell one of your fifty guns, why don't you). Fatman leaves the bus without leaving a gratuity himself. It's the thought that counts though, right? What did I learn from this trip, gentle reader? Simple: confirmation, if such were needed, that Homo Sapiens is doomed. more rants - about me - contact